Excellent conversations have topics hanging from many doorknobs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is an interesting article by Adam Mastroianni at Experimental History on February 22, 2022 titled Good conversations have lots of doorknobs. He says:

 

“Why did some conversations unfurl and others wilt? One answer. I realized may be the clash of take–and–take vs. give-and-take.

 

Givers think that conversations unfold as a series of invitations; takers think conversations unfold as a series of declarations. When giver meets giver or taker meets taker all is well. When giver meets taker, however, giver gives, taker takes, and giver gets resentful (‘Why won’t he ask me a single question?’) while taker has a lovely time (‘She must really think I’m interesting!’) or gets annoyed (‘My job is boring, why does she keep asking me about it?). 

 

….When done well, both giving and taking create what psychologists call affordances: features of the environment that allow you to do something. Physical affordances are things like stairs and handles and benches. Conversational affordances are things like digressions and confessions and bold claims that beg for a rejoinder. Talking to another person is like rock climbing, except you are my rock wall and I am yours. If you reach up, I can grab onto your hand, and we can both hoist ourselves skyward. Maybe that’s why a really good conversation feels a bit like floating.

 

What matters most then, is not how much we give or take, but whether we offer and accept affordances. Takers can present big, graspable doorknobs (‘I kinda get creeped out when couples treat their dogs like babies’) or not (Let me tell you about the plot of the movie Must Love Dogs...). Good taking makes the other side want to take too (‘I know! My friends asked me to be the godparent to their Schnauzer, it’s so crazy’ ‘What?? Was there a ceremony?’). Similarly, some questions have doorknobs (‘Why do you think you and your brother turned out so different?’) and some don’t (‘How many of your grandparents are still living?’). But even affordance-less giving can be met with affordance-ful taking (‘I have one grandma still alive, and I think a lot about all this knowledge she has – how to raise a family, how to cope with tragedy, how to make chocolate zucchini bread – and I feel anxious about learning from her while I still can.’).”

 

I found my way to this article from page 252 in a 2024 book by Ellen Hendricksen titled How to Be Enough: Self-acceptance for self-critics and perfectionists. And there is another more recent article by Minda Zetlin at Inc. on March 23, 2025 titled People who excel at starting a conversation always do this, according to a clinical psychologist and subtitled ‘Conversational doorknobs’ can help you build the connections you need for success. She says to do these three things:

 

1) Ask an open-ended question. Then listen.

2) Choose a conversational doorknob.

3) Mention your connection, but don’t overdo it.