What warnings should be in the operating instructions for a magic wand?

A product can be considered defective if there was inadequate instruction or lack of appropriate warnings. This is known as Failure to Warn. (You didn’t warn me not to do something dumb, so I did). It is discussed at great length in a law review article from 2000 titled Warning! Failure to Read this Article May Be Hazardous to Your Failure to Warn Defense. 

If we think about failure to warn and the Harry Potter books (involving use of magic wands), then we find a paradox. How could you write the instructions and warnings for an infinitely abusable product? Perhaps they would look something like this:

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS FOR YOUR MARK VII MAGIC WAND

1]   Read all operating instructions before using this product. Keep these instructions with the product at all times.

2]  Always wear eye protection when using this product.

3]   Grasp straight end firmly. Wave pointed end using a vigorous circular motion, and chant an appropriate incantation. Speak clearly and distinctly.

4]   Keep away from sparks and open flames. May be used to cause sparks, flames, lightning bolts, and volcanic eruptions.

5]   Use only with adequate ventilation. May be used to create breezes or minor gales. Avoid causing excessively high winds.

6]   Keep away from corrosive chemicals or excessive moisture.

7]   Do not place in microwave oven. May be used in place of microwave oven.

8]   Handle with care. Keep away from small children and attorneys.

9]   For external use only. May cause skin irritation. If swallowed, do not induce vomiting.

10] Hand wash only. Blot dry. Do not iron. Do not place in electric dryer. Do not dry clean. Do not fold, bend, spindle, or mutilate.

11] This product complies with applicable FCC regulations (Subpart J of FCC Part 15). It will not cause interference with electronic equipment - unless you want it to.

12] Do not place this product in the glove compartment of a motor vehicle, or any location where it will be subject to temperatures higher than 140 F or lower than 0 F.

13] To avoid hazard of electrical shock, do not open this product. Opening product voids warranty. Batteries are not included (or necessary).

14] This product is warranted to operate for a period of not less than three years, after which it will turn back into an ordinary soda straw.

15] Do not abuse this product. Don’t worry, be happy.

These instructions and warnings are much shorter than the infamous Standard Disclaimer supposedly written by R. Bruce Farnsworth. An image of a magic wand was adapted from one at Wikimedia Commons.