What if a commencement speech told you to assume the worst?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a brief and humorous book from 2018 by Carl Hiassen titled Assume the Worst: The graduation speech you’ll never hear. Amazon has sample of first eight pages. It’s just 64 double-spaced pages, with hilarious cartoon illustrations by Roz Chast. Here’s a paraphrase from it:

 

 “This commencement address will never be given, because graduation speakers are supposed to offer encouragement and inspiration.

 

That’s not what you need. You need a warning.

 

After an uncommonly long career observing and writing about misbehavior, I have one piece of advice as you launch yourself from college: assume the worst.

 

Based on the last six thousand years of human history, it’s the only sensible way to proceed. Lowering your expectations will inoculate you against serial disappointments. It will also set you up for heart-lifting surprises on those occasions when someone you meet turns out to be unexpectedly honorable, generous and selfless.

 

…. 1. Live each day as if it’s your last.

      As wise and appealing as this might sound, it’s actually terrible advice. If you live every day as if it’s your last, you won’t accomplish a damn thing. You’ll soon run out of money, your car will get repossessed, you’ll be evicted from your apartment, and the person you’re living with will dump you for somebody with a mid-level management job at BrandsMart.

 

…. 2. If you set your mind to it, you can be anything you want to be.

     Total bullshit. Nobody can be absolutely anything they want to be – no matter how hard they wish, pray or try. I wanted to play major-league baseball like Willie Mays but unfortunately, I couldn’t run, catch or hit like Willie Mays. And I tried. Really hard. By eighth grade I’d bagged the whole fantasy and moved on.

 

…. 3. Try to find goodness in everyone you meet.

     Another waste of time. Relationships aren’t supposed to be reclamation projects. The humane qualities of any new acquaintance should be evident in the first five minutes of conversation – ten minutes, tops.

 

…. 4. Don’t be quick to judge others.

     Are you kidding? If you don’t learn how to judge others – and judge fast – you’ll get metaphorically trampled from now until the day you die.

 

…. To sum up.

     Figure out what you’re good at, and get better at it. Along the way, don’t waste your time on people whose decency isn’t apparent when you first meet for a cup of coffee. Be an astute judge of character, and learn to judge quickly.

 

Read the news. Pay attention. Always aspire to act in a way that cancels out someone else’s cruel or stupid behavior.

 

Never stop worrying. Live each day as if your rent is due tomorrow.

 

And always, always be the one who sleeps near the campfire – the one who would make Darwin proud.”

 

My version of the book cover cartoon was assembled by adapting an anvil from Wikimedia Commons and a silhouette from OpenClipArt. 

 

Brad Meltzer gave the 2024 spring commencement speech at the University of Michigan about making magic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On May 4, 2024 Brad Meltzer gave the 2024 spring commencement speech at the University of Michigan about making magic. There is an article about that speech by Katie Kelton at the University of Michigan Record on May 4, 2024 titled Commencement speaker shapes how magic provides insight to shape lives.

 

You can watch a 20-minute YouTube video of it titled Brad Meltzer’s 2024 Michigan Commencement Address – Make Magic. And it also is published in a 2025 book by Brad Meltzer titled Make Magic: The book of inspiration you didn’t know you needed. On Page 26 he explains that:

 

“Of course, that sounds absurd – real magic doesn’t exist. But when you ask professional magicians, they’ll tell you there are actually only four types of magic tricks. That’s it. Put aside illusions and escapes – there’s just four types of tricks:

 

1]  You make something appear.

 

2]  You make something disappear.

 

3]  You make two things switch places.

 

4]  And finally, you change one thing into something else.”

 

The cartoon wand was adapted from this one at OpenClipArt.

 

 

In his 2025 commencement address at the University of Maryland Kermit the Frog says to “leap together”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On May 22, 2025 the famous puppet Kermit the Frog spoke. (His creator, Jim Henson, was an alumnus of that university) He’s the ultimate speech prop! An article from The Associated Press at npr on May 23, 2025 is titled ‘Leap together,’ Kermit the Frog says in address at the University of Maryland graduation. His three main points are about:

 

1] Finding your people

2] Taking the leap together

3] Making connections

 

You can watch a fifteen-minute Youtube video at PBS NewsHour titled WATCH LIVE: Kermit the Frog delivers commencement speech at University of Maryland. And on May 23, 2025 The Baltimore Sun has another article titled Transcript: Read Kermit the Frog’s University of Maryland commencement speech.

 

Kermit is voiced by Matt Vogel, as described on June 6, 2023 in a nineteen-minute Youtube video at Webster University titled Matt Vogel | Webster University Commencement Speech |2023.

 

Filmmaker Ken Burns’s advice to graduates from his 2024 undergraduate commencement address at Brandeis University on May 19th

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noted filmmaker Ken Burns gave the 2024 undergraduate commencement address at Brandeis University. You can read a transcript here. There also is a YouTube video here. Ken gave them the following advice:

 

“Listen. Be curious, not cool. Insecurity makes liars of us all. Remember, none of us get out of here alive. The inevitable vicissitudes of life, no matter how well gated our communities, will visit us all. Grief is a part of life, and if you explore its painful precincts, it will make you stronger. Do good things, help others. Leadership is humility and generosity squared. Remember the opposite of faith is not doubt. Doubt is central to faith. The opposite of faith is certainty. The kinship of the soul begins with your own at times withering self-examination. Try to change that unchangeable human nature of Ecclesiastes, but start with you. ‘Nothing so needs reforming,’ Mark Twain once chided us, ‘as other people’s habits.’

 

Don’t confuse success with excellence. Do not descend too deeply into specialism. Educate all your parts, you will be healthier. Do not get stuck in one place. ‘Travel is fatal to prejudice,’ Twain also said. Be in nature, which is always perfect and where nothing is binary. Its sheer majesty may remind you of your own atomic insignificance, as one observer put it, but in the inscrutable and paradoxical ways of wild places, you will feel larger, inspirited, just as the egotist in our midst is diminished by his or her self-regard.

 

At some point, make babies. One of the greatest things that will happen to you, I mean it, one of the greatest things that will happen to you is that you will have to worry, I mean really worry, about someone other than yourself. It is liberating and exhilarating, I promise. Ask your parents (audience laughs).

 

Choose honor over hypocrisy, virtue over vulgarity, discipline over dissipation, character over cleverness, sacrifice over self-indulgence. Do not lose your enthusiasm, in its Greek etymology the word enthusiasm means simply, ‘God in us.’ Serve your country. Insist that we fight the right wars. Denounce oppression everywhere.    

 

Convince your government, as Lincoln understood, that the real threat always and still comes from within this favored land. Insist that we support science and the arts, especially the arts. They have nothing to do with the actual defense of our country; they just make our country worth defending. Remember what Louis Brandeis said, ‘The most important political office is that of the private citizen.’ Vote. Please vote. You indelibly underscore your citizenship, and most important, our kinship with each other when you do. Good luck and Godspeed.” 

 

He included a pair of Mark Twain quotes, and one from Louis Brandeis. The first Twain quote on reforming habits is from Pudd’inhead Wilson, as discussed by Garson O’Toole at Quote Investigator on February 16, 2017 in an article titled Put all your eggs in one basket, and then watch that basket. The second is from Innocents Abroad, as discussed by Craig Thompson at

Clearing Customs on September 8, 2019 in another article titled The reports of Mark Twain’s travel quotations are somewhat exaggerated.

 

 The silhouette came from Openclipart.

 

Could you write a speech consisting of nothing but questions?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is that possible? Yes! I found a pair of commencement speeches where rather than provide answers they only had questions. One was given in 2019 by David Glaser at Tufts University. It is described in an article by Joel Abrams at The Conversation on May 16, 2019 titled This commencement speech had nothing but questions. A second, last year for the Torrey Honors Institute at Biola University, is described in another article by Fred Sanders at LeadingWithQuestions on July 20, 2023 titled A Few Questions For You.

 

What about poems or songs? William Blake’s 1794 poem The Tyger just is questions. And in her 2023 album A Great Wild Mercy Carrie Newcomer has a song titled A Book of Questions. You can watch a five-minute lyric video for it on YouTube. (The brief chorus is not questions).

 

How about an entire novel consisting of questions? I have two examples with excerpts at Google Books. From 2001 there is Gold Fools by Gilbert Sorrentino. And from 2009 there is The Interrogative Mood by Padgett Powell. The Kirkus Reviews article on The Interrogative Mood opens by whining that:

 

“This novel a one-trick pony, and that trick is a question mark.”

 

How did I get started on this offbeat topic? At the public library I got Dwight Garner’s 2023 book The Upstairs Delicatessen. On page 108 he says:

 

“Powell wrote a 164-page novel, The Interrogative Mood, in which every sentence is a question. (Sample: ‘Have you decided yet which historical moment you would most like to have witnessed with your own eyes and ears?’) The form suited Powell, because he’s one of the most inquisitive writers we have.”

  

An image of a head full of questions was adapted from one at Openclipart.

 

How to Write a Great Commencement Speech

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is an excellent whitepaper from January 10, 2018 by Aaron Hoover at the Professional Speechwriters Association (PSA) titled How to Write a Great Commencement Speech (and Why You Must). You can download the 12-page .pdf file here. Mr. Hoover discusses how these speeches share five common characteristics:

 

Impart personal wisdom based on a candid account of life experiences

Relay a simple, socially sharable message

Consider the present times

Advise and inspire through example rather than exhortation

Convey joy, fun and celebration.

 

There are five boxes with lists of tips, and at the end he has lists of dos and don’ts. Under further resources there are links to some great speeches.

 

Back on June 29, 2016 I blogged about Commencement speeches and big questions. This year I blogged about two speeches, August 4, 2023 on Quotations from Vital Speeches of the Day: #3 Marcus Fila on playing the long game, and September 17, 2023 on Quotations from Vital Speeches of the Day: #5 – John McEnroe on how This is the Time to Take Your Shots.

 

There is a May 15, 2019 press release titled Toastmasters International Lists 5 Memorable Commencement Speeches in the Last 5 Years.  

 

An image of the 1991 commencement at the University of Michigan - Dearborn came from the Library of Congress.

 

Quotations from Vital Speeches of the Day: #5 – John McEnroe on how This is the Time to Take Your Shots

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

John McEnroe gave the commencement address at Stanford University on June 18, 2023. His speech, titled This is the time to take your shots, appeared in the August 2023 issue of Vital Speeches of the Day magazine on pages 184 to 186. John said:

 

“....For all the positive steps we’ve seen in caring for our mental health, we’re also seeing the flipside where people are attempting to eliminate stress or pain altogether. Which is impossible. It’s the ‘everyone geta a trophy’ kind of mentality. It’s ridiculous and, honestly, a little dangerous. Not everyone is meant to be good at everything. And it’s very important for people who are high-flying mental giants, like all of you, to realize taking risks, failing, and learning from your failures is essential to your development. And sometimes a loss is the best thing that can happen to you.

 

In 1980 Björn Borg and I played in what is considered one of the greatest Wimbledon finals of all time. After three hours and 55 minutes of some seriously intense tennis, I lost in five sets. Of course, I wanted to win. I gave it everything I had – but I wouldn’t trade that moment for anything.

 

The truth is most people don’t remember who won that match. And don’t care. I once had the privilege of meeting the great Nelson Mandela. He told me he listened to that match on a tiny radio from his prison cell on Robben Island. And that the whole prison hung on every point of that match. That we gave Mandela a brief respite from the excruciating hell of 27 years of political imprisonment meant more to me than any award I’ve ever won. The lesson here is you don’t have to win to be part of something that is truly magical.

 

A few years after that Wimbledon final Björn quit tennis at age 26. It was devastating to me and the rest of the sport. In the mid-80s, if you were on my path. I would destroy you. Top of my game. But I wasn’t truly happy. Why? Because being the best in the world wasn’t as good as playing with someone who pushed you to greatness. Which is why I BEGGED my biggest rival to come back to the sport.

 

At the time he said to me, ‘If you’re not #1, it doesn’t matter whether you’re #2 or #100.’ Even though I understood where he was coming from, I disagreed with him then and still do. Number 2 is pretty damn good. Sometimes, you have to appreciate where you’re at in life. If your mentality is ‘If it’s not success, then it’s failure,’ your life will be really, really hard. Success us another chance to keep plugging away at what we love to do. That’s all it really is.

 

….Graduates, this is the time to take your shots. Your life will go by fast. Give it your all. Stand up for yourself. Stay curious. Be a good citizen of the world. Don’t get crushed under the weight of your expectations. Know that the real victory in life is the long game - measure your success by how much you evolve, not necessarily how much you win. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. And for chrissakes, have the balls to say what you feel.”

 

John’s advice to be a good citizen differs from his earlier behavior. The Wikipedia article about him notes he was known for:

 

“his confrontational on-court behavior, which frequently landed him in trouble with umpires and tennis authorities.”

 

The image by Brett Weinstein came from Wikimedia Commons.

 

Quotations from Vital Speeches of the Day: #3 Marcus Fila on playing the long game

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marcus Fila is an Associate Professor of Management at Hope College. In a speech delivered at their commencement on May 8, 2022 he said to avoid short-term thinking, and that:

 

“You have to be willing to give something up today in order to have something better tomorrow – and this is why so few people bother to play the long game. But if done well (and I’m a work in progress on this myself) there can be many immediate pleasures and rewards of playing the long game, in the knowledge that you are setting the foundations for long-term flourishing.”

 

His speech appeared in the August 2022 issue of Vital Speeches of the Day magazine on pages 186 and 187.

 

The pattern came from page 431 of The Grammar of Ornament.

 

Commencement speeches and big questions

We just finished the season for commencement speeches. They are inspirational and come with captive audiences of graduates who cannot leave until the end when they receive their degrees.

Back on May 17, 1982 I attended the Carnegie-Mellon University commencement and received my Ph.D. degree on a warm, sunny day in Pittsburgh. Carnegie-Mellon had followed their founder, that frugal Scot Andrew Carnegie, by not wasting any paper. Their diplomas measure just 7” by 9”. I couldn’t remember anything from the commencement speech, so I looked around the house and found I’d saved the program. It turned out they also had been too frugal to pay for a speaker.  

Recently there were several excellent blog posts about commencement speeches. On June 18th, at Moving People to Action, Conor Neil picked The Top 5 Commencement Speeches. One June 20th at Duarte Greta Stahl discussed The Secret Sauce of Successful Commencement Speakers. Also on June 20th, at Presentation Zen Garr Reynolds discussed one by James Ryan containing Five Essential Questions to ask Yourself. Those big questions were: 

1]   Wait, what?
2]   I wonder why/if?
3]   Couldn’t we at least?
4]   How can I help?
5]   What really matters?

A bonus question was:
6]   And, did you get what you wanted out of life, even so?

The list of Five Essential Questions (and a bonus one) reminded me of my favorite set of six big questions shown above in clouds. Those came from the science fiction television space opera Babylon 5 and are:

1]  Who are you?
2]  What do you want?
3]  Why are you here?
4]  Do you have anything worth living for?
5]  Where are you going?
6]  Who do you serve, and who do you trust?

The first one was asked by the Vorlons, and the second by their rival the Shadows. Mr. Morden, the Shadow operative on the Babylon 5 space station, asked Vir the second question. He got an answer he didn’t like, but that eventually came to pass. I mentioned those questions in a blog post on March 16, 2011 titled The joy of listening to Ice Breaker speeches.  

The other big question I had was what else does a university provost do - other than hand out the doctoral diplomas at the commencement ceremony?