Conversations are discussed in an excellent new book by Alison Wood Brooks titled Talk: The science of conversation and the art of being ourselves

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

On August 16, 2025 I blogged about Fifty excellent Table Topics questions from the appendix to Alison Wood Brooks’s 2025 book Talk: The science of conversation and the art of being ourselves. She also has an article on pages 28 and 29 in the August 2025 issue of Toastmaster Magazine titled Ask More, Better Questions.

 

Starting on page 12 of her book Alison says:

 

“The potential reasons for conversational engagement are vast. I find it helps to visualize them plotted on what we’ll call the conversational compass (see the figure on page 13).[My color version is shown above].

 

The conversational compass organizes what we are trying to do in all the many conversations that make up our social worlds. The relational axis runs east-west and captures the extent to which we care about serving the collective versus ourselves. High-relational purposes seek to create value for everyone in the conversation (such as when you want to make your partner laugh, help them solve a problem, or teach them something new), while low-relational purposes seek to claim value for the self (such as when you want to vent, express your own views, or exit the conversation.

 

The informational axis runs north-south. It captures the extent to which we are aiming for accurate information exchange. Many people assume that information exchange is the main reason we talk to each other – sharing information is why humans learned to communicate, after all. But assuming or over-focusing on information exchange can be misguided. Think of how often you have wanted to guard information rather than share it, how often you have sought to avoid making a hard decision, or how often you have wanted a conversation to feel easy rather than informative. Those are low-informational purposes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Each of the four quadrants of the compass contains appropriate, worthy, virtuous motives for different moments, which are reflected in the positive labels we give the quadrants: Connect, Savor, Protect, and Advance. We live- we do things with words – in all four quadrants.” [My color version is shown above]. Each chapter ends with a summary of three takeaways.

 

TAKEAWAYS FROM THE COORDINATION GAME: [Chapter 1, page 23]

“The idea of conversation has evolved over time and place. Today it helps to think of it as a coordination game.

Conversational goals can be plotted on the conversational compass along two dimensions: informational and relational.

The TALK maxims – Topics, Asking, Levity, Kindness – are reminders to help people achieve their goals, one conversation at a time.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a three-level topic pyramid on page 43. My color version is shown above.

 

TAKEAWAYS FROM T IS FOR TOPICS: [Chapter 2, page 55]

“Topics are the building blocks of conversation.

Small talk isn’t the enemy. Getting stuck on any one topic for too long, especially topics at the base of the topic pyramid, is the enemy.

Topic prep is your best friend.”

 

TAKEAWAYS FROM A IS FOR ASKING: [Chapter 3, page 87]

“Aim to ask more questions. Asking even insincere questions is a form of caring, and asking too many questions is rare.

Use caution with boomerasking, gotcha questions, and repeated questions.

Do ask topic-switching questions to change topics and follow-up questions to learn more,"   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Chapter 4, L is for Levity on page 94 she says that:

 

“And when it comes to thinking deeply about feelings, scholars find it helpful to take the complex constellation of human emotions and plot them on two simple dimensions: arousal (high versus low physical signals of energy, like heart rate) and valence (pleasure versus displeasure. All emotions – whether experienced during conversation or outside it – can be plotted on this chart of emotions. Here’s where some common feelings fall.” [My color version is shown above.]

 

TAKEAWAYS FROM L IS FOR LEVITY: [Chapter 4, page 117]

“Find the fun, rather than trying to be funny.

Give compliments effusively.

Don’t just grunt – LAUGH!”

 

TAKEAWAYS FROM K IS FOR KINDNESS: [Chapter 5, page 148]

“Kindness takes work. Focus on your partner’s needs before your own.

Speak respectfully. Aim to make others feel seen and known, good to be with, and worthy of care.

Listen responsively. Put in the effort to listen, and show it with your words.”

 

TAKEAWAYS FROM MANY MINDS: [Chapter 6, page 178]

“Conversation in groups is categorically different from and even more complicated than conversation in dyads. (Don’t feel bad if it feels chaotic).

Be aware of the status hierarchy in a group, which can change, even from one topic to the next.

Foster a stewardship mindset.”

 

TAKEAWAYS FROM DIFFICULT MOMENTS: [Chapter 7, page 218]

“Differences – in words, emotions, motives, and identities – can all cause moments of difficulty in conversation.

Use the receptiveness recipe – acknowledge, affirm, validate, hedge, aim to learn -to engage with opposing viewpoints.

Use situation modification and reframing when emotions get hot.”

 

TAKEAWAYS FROM APOLOGIES: [Chapter 8, page 249]

“Apologies are remarkably powerful.

Apologize frequently and sincerely – don’t make it about yourself.

Promise to change, then do what you’ve promised.”