What if a commencement speech told you to assume the worst?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a brief and humorous book from 2018 by Carl Hiassen titled Assume the Worst: The graduation speech you’ll never hear. Amazon has sample of first eight pages. It’s just 64 double-spaced pages, with hilarious cartoon illustrations by Roz Chast. Here’s a paraphrase from it:

 

 “This commencement address will never be given, because graduation speakers are supposed to offer encouragement and inspiration.

 

That’s not what you need. You need a warning.

 

After an uncommonly long career observing and writing about misbehavior, I have one piece of advice as you launch yourself from college: assume the worst.

 

Based on the last six thousand years of human history, it’s the only sensible way to proceed. Lowering your expectations will inoculate you against serial disappointments. It will also set you up for heart-lifting surprises on those occasions when someone you meet turns out to be unexpectedly honorable, generous and selfless.

 

…. 1. Live each day as if it’s your last.

      As wise and appealing as this might sound, it’s actually terrible advice. If you live every day as if it’s your last, you won’t accomplish a damn thing. You’ll soon run out of money, your car will get repossessed, you’ll be evicted from your apartment, and the person you’re living with will dump you for somebody with a mid-level management job at BrandsMart.

 

…. 2. If you set your mind to it, you can be anything you want to be.

     Total bullshit. Nobody can be absolutely anything they want to be – no matter how hard they wish, pray or try. I wanted to play major-league baseball like Willie Mays but unfortunately, I couldn’t run, catch or hit like Willie Mays. And I tried. Really hard. By eighth grade I’d bagged the whole fantasy and moved on.

 

…. 3. Try to find goodness in everyone you meet.

     Another waste of time. Relationships aren’t supposed to be reclamation projects. The humane qualities of any new acquaintance should be evident in the first five minutes of conversation – ten minutes, tops.

 

…. 4. Don’t be quick to judge others.

     Are you kidding? If you don’t learn how to judge others – and judge fast – you’ll get metaphorically trampled from now until the day you die.

 

…. To sum up.

     Figure out what you’re good at, and get better at it. Along the way, don’t waste your time on people whose decency isn’t apparent when you first meet for a cup of coffee. Be an astute judge of character, and learn to judge quickly.

 

Read the news. Pay attention. Always aspire to act in a way that cancels out someone else’s cruel or stupid behavior.

 

Never stop worrying. Live each day as if your rent is due tomorrow.

 

And always, always be the one who sleeps near the campfire – the one who would make Darwin proud.”

 

My version of the book cover cartoon was assembled by adapting an anvil from Wikimedia Commons and a silhouette from OpenClipArt.